Tag: Funny Quotes

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.” 

“Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” – James A. Garfield 

“Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.” – Beth McCollister

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.” – Polish Proverb

“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” – Henry Ford

“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” – Stanley Randall

“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”

“I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.”

“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.” – Greenville Kleisser

“Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.” – Isaac Asimov

“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” – James Thurber

“Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.” – James Thurber

“Humor is a universal language.” – Joel Goodman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” – Dick Cavett

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield 

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.”

“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” – Rebecca Romijn

“I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.” – Bill Murray

“People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” – Bill Murray

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg

“What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright

“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” 

“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.” – Ray Romano

“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.” – Jim Gaffigan

“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.”

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” – Otto von Bismarck 

“It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.” – Franz Kafka

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.” – Wendy Mass

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler

“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”

“Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.”

“I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.”

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor 

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” –  Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.”

“As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”

“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

“Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.”

“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.”

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn 

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.” – Sicilian Proverb

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” – Elayne Boosler

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” –  E. B. White

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“The happier we get, the less we see.”

“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.” –  Bill Watterson

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” –  Albert Einstein

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett

“Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.” – Abe Lemons

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.” – Dave Barry

“Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.” – Harry Haenigsen

“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” – Milton Berle

“When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.” – Mike Vanatta

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” –  Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” –  Erma Bombeck

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.” – Gene Perret

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” – Epictetus

“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” – Edgar Watson Howe 

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.” – Will Durant

“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.” – Bill Vaughan

“God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.”

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” – P. J. O’Rourke

“Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.” – Don Herold

“America is a land where men govern, but women rule.” – John Mason Brown

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” –  Charles M. Schulz

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” –  Charles Wadsworth

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin