“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.” – Richard D. Wolff
“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.”
“Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” – James A. Garfield
“Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.” – Beth McCollister
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.” – Polish Proverb
“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.” – Henry Ford
“The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” – Stanley Randall
“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”
“I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.”
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.” – Greenville Kleisser
“Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.” – Isaac Asimov
“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” – James Thurber
“Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.” – James Thurber
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley
“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris
“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.” – Dick Cavett
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln
“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.”
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” – Rebecca Romijn
“I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.” – Bill Murray
“People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.” – Bill Murray
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson
“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
“What a nice night for an evening.” – Steven Wright
“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?” – Steven Wright
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.” – Steven Wright
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.” – Ray Romano
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.” – Jim Gaffigan
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” – Conan O’Brien
“Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.”
“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”
“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” – Otto von Bismarck
“It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.” – Franz Kafka
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.” – Wendy Mass
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” – Chelsea Handler
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
“Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.”
“I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.”
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.” – Sicilian Proverb
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.” – Elayne Boosler
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Oscar Wilde
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher
“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly
Funny quotes I was born to make mistakes not to fake perfection Aylake
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas
Funny quotes It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them Aylake
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
“I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.”
Funny quotes All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height Aylake
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.” – George Santayana
“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.” – Oscar Wilde
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” – Woodrow Wyatt
Funny quotes A womans mind is cleaner that a mans She changes it more often Aylake
“The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?” – Mike Vanatta
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Oscar Wilde
“A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly
Funny quotes If you are going to tell people the truth funny or they will kill you Aylake
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves
Funny quotes You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and Aylake
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E. B. White
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
Funny quotes The happier we get the less we see Aylake
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin
“The happier we get, the less we see.”
“You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.” – Bill Watterson
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
Funny quotes Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid Aylake
“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” – Tom Bodett
“Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.” – Abe Lemons
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” – Mitch Hedberg
“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.” – Dave Barry
Funny quotes We never really grow up We only learn how to act in public Aylake
“Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.” – Harry Haenigsen
“The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.” – Milton Berle
“When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.” – Mike Vanatta
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
Funny quotes As a child my familys menu consisted of two choices Take it or leave it Aylake
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan
“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
Funny quotes My grandmother started walking five miles a day Aylake
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
Funny quotes No wonder the teacher knows so much she has the book Aylake
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.” – Gene Perret
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” – Epictetus
“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” – Edgar Watson Howe
Funny quotes People learn something every day and a lot of times it is that Aylake
“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.” – Will Durant
“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.” – Bill Vaughan
“God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.”
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” – P. J. O’Rourke
Funny quotes He who laughs last did not get the joke Aylake
“Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.” – Don Herold
“America is a land where men govern, but women rule.” – John Mason Brown
“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
Funny quotes I always arrive late at the office Aylake
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
Funny quotes Leave something for someone but do not leave someone for something Aylake
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.” – Enid Blyton
Funny quotes The human brain is special It starts working as soon as you get up Aylake
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
“Work hard, nap hard.” – Demi Lovato
“The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.” – Milton Berle
“When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.” – Mark Twain
Funny quotes The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can not be learned at school Aylake
“School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.” – Dave Kellett
“The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.” – Haruki Murakami
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” – Molly McGee
“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” – Laura Swenson
Funny quotes A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him Aylake
“Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!”
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.” – Mae West
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis
“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charlton Heston
Funny quotes Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life Aylake
“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley
“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” – Chuck Palahniuk
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower
Funny quotes Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example Aylake
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” – Fred Allen
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen
Funny quotes Laziness is nothing more than the habit Aylake
“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” – Jules Renard
Funny quotes I like nonsense It wakes up the brain cells Aylake
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.” – Scott Adams
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
“I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.” – Dr. Seuss
“When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.” – Alan Alda
Funny quotes Chaos in the midst of chaos isnt funny Aylake
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.” – Erma Bombeck
“And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.” – G.K. Chesterton
“Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.” – Steve Martin
Funny quotes You know what your problem is it is that you havent seen enough movies Aylake
“You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.” – Steve Martin
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“Be so good they can’t ignore you.” – Steve Martin
Funny quotes Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves Aylake
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.” – Robert Fulghum
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Funny quotes Always remember the last words of my grandfather Aylake
“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’” – Emo Philips
“You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.” – Emo Philips
“I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’” – Emo Philips
“England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.” – Emo Philips
“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.” – Emo Philips
Funny quotes There is a thin line that searates laughter and pain Aylake
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
“When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ― Erma Bombeck
“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” ― Erma Bombeck
“I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.” ― Erma Bombeck
Funny quotes If you try to fail and succeed which have you done Aylake
“Housework can kill you if done right.” ― Erma Bombeck
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
Funny quotes Behind every successful man is a woman behind her is his wife Aylake
“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin
“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
Funny quotes Heres to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet Aylake
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.”
““Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.” – Aparna Nancherla
“In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.” – Aparna Nancherla
Funny quotes A computer once beat me at chess Aylake
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” ― Douglas Adams
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland
Funny quotes It is true hard work never killed anybody but I figure why take the chance Aylake
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
Funny quotes If you find it hard to laugh at yourselfI would be happy to do it for you Aylake
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken
“I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
Funny quotes I am not shy I am holding back my awesomeness so I dont intimidate you Aylake
“I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’” – Emo Philips
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill
“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
Funny quotes The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity Aylake
“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.” – Emo Philips
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” – Emo Philips
Funny quotes If you are going to do something tonight that you will be sorry for tomorrow morning Sleep late Aylake
“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.” – Emo Philips
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”
“Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.”
Funny quotes Recession is when a neighbor loses his job
“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” – Samuel Goldwyn
Funny quotes Life biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon
“If Jack’s in love, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Life biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Eat to live, don’t live to eat.” ― Benjamin Franklin
Funny quotes There are three faithful friends
“There are three faithful friends – an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer” – Douglas Adams
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams
Funny quotes The story so far
“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”― Douglas Adams
“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover
“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” – Hillary Clinton
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’” – Homer Simpson
“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi
Funny quotes People who think they know everything
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber
Funny quotes Everything happens for a reason
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich
“I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.”
“Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.” – Steven Wright
“I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” – Jack Benny
“I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.” – Danny Zuker
“Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.”
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams
“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.” – Si Robertson
“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.” – Sid Caesar
“An empty stomach is not a good political adviser” ― Albert Einstein
“When we first got married, we made a pact. It was this: In our life together, it was decided I would make all of the big decisions and my wife would make all of the little decisions. For fifty years, we have held true to that agreement. I believe that is the reason for the success in our marriage. However, the strange thing is that in fifty years, there hasn’t been one big decision.” ― Albert Einstein
“I think 99 times and find nothing. I stop thinking, swim in silence, and the truth comes to me.” ― Albert Einstein
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.”― Benjamin Franklin
“In the Affairs of this World Men are saved, not by Faith, but by the Lack of it.” ― Ben Franklin
“Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno
“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson
“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis
“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison
“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn
“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.” – Mitch Hedberg
“Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.”
“What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?”
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”
“I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” – Socrates
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” – Steve Irwin
“Avoid popularity if you would have peace.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ― Albert Einstein
“Creativity is intelligence having fun.” ― Albert Einstein
“Black holes are where God divided by zero.” ― Albert Einstein
“Everything must be made as simple as possible. But not simpler.” ― Albert Einstein
“It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.” ― Albert Einstein
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy
“I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” – John Fugelsang
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – John Hughes
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” – John Maynard Keynes
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.” – Josh Billings
“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” – Josh Billings
“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.” – Karl Kraus
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“I’m addicted to placebos.” – Steven Wright
“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso
“Puns are the highest form of literature.” – Alfred Hitchcock
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“All generalizations are false, including this one.” – Mark Twain
“What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright”
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!” – Steven Weinberg
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“There is no time for the innocent.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“I don’t know why I write what I write.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Avoid popularity if you would have peace.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” – Abraham Lincoln
“It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.” – Abraham Lincoln
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln
“We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side.” – Abraham Lincoln
“You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.” – Abraham Lincoln
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller
“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” – M. Scott Peck
“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers
“When nothing is going right, go left.”
“Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
Funny quotes If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong Aylake
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas A. Edison
“Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.” – Thomas Szasz
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx
“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.” ― Groucho Marx
Funny quotes Worrying is like paying a debt you dont owe Aylake
“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” ― Groucho Marx
“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” ― Groucho Marx
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers
Funny quotes Ive had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasnt it Aylake
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” ― Groucho Marx
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ― Groucho Marx
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” Ellen DeGeneres
Funny quotes Humor is reason gone mad Aylake
“Humor is reason gone mad.” ― Groucho Marx
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.” – Martha Scott
“God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.” – Meister Eckhart
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
Funny quotes My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life Aylake
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” ― Groucho Marx
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
Funny quotes Those are my principles and if you dont like them Aylake
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas A. Edison
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ― Groucho Marx
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.” ― Groucho Marx
Aylake 