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My wife and I were happy for twenty years

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” –  Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.”

“As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”

“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”

“Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.”

“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.”

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” – Fran Lebowitz

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

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