“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” ― Douglas Adams

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”

“I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’” – Emo Philips

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” 

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.” – Emo Philips

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman

“My brain has too many tabs open.”

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” – Emo Philips

“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.” – Emo Philips

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”

“Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.”

Published by aylake

Every day is perfect day for perfect day. I'm mum of 3 and love to do different things. Reading and beading are my favorites. After that I like walk on the beach and take pictures of everything where I see beauty. I like make jokes and laugh. At moment learning English language. This blog going to be like me. Sometimes boring and sometimes I show you something surprisingly new. View all posts by aylake