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My brain has too many tabs open

Funny quotes A computer once beat me at chess Aylake
Funny quotes A computer once beat me at chess Aylake

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” ― Douglas Adams

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” – Emo Philips

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” – Helen Rowland

Funny quotes It is true hard work never killed anybody but I figure why take the chance Aylake
Funny quotes It is true hard work never killed anybody but I figure why take the chance Aylake

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?” ― Douglas Adams

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

Funny quotes If you find it hard to laugh at yourselfI would be happy to do it for you Aylake
Funny quotes If you find it hard to laugh at yourselfI would be happy to do it for you Aylake

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”

Funny quotes I am not shy I am holding back my awesomeness so I dont intimidate you Aylake
Funny quotes I am not shy I am holding back my awesomeness so I dont intimidate you Aylake

“I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’” – Emo Philips

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” 

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

Funny quotes The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity Aylake
Funny quotes The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity Aylake

“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.” – Emo Philips

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman

“My brain has too many tabs open.”

“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.” – Emo Philips

Funny quotes If you are going to do something tonight that you will be sorry for tomorrow morning Sleep late Aylake
Funny quotes If you are going to do something tonight that you will be sorry for tomorrow morning Sleep late Aylake

“My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.” – Emo Philips

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”

“Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.”

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