You tried your best
“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“If Jack’s in love, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Life biggest tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Eat to live, don’t live to eat.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“There are three faithful friends – an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” ― Benjamin Franklin
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer” – Douglas Adams
“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams
“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”― Douglas Adams
“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover
“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” – Hillary Clinton
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’” – Homer Simpson
“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” – Indira Gandhi
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov
“I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.” – J. Paul Getty
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich
“I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.”
“Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.”
“I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.” – Steven Wright
“I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.” – Jack Benny
“I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.” – Danny Zuker
“Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.”
