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“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!” – Steven Weinberg

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“There is no time for the innocent.” ― Bret Easton Ellis

“I don’t know why I write what I write.” ― Bret Easton Ellis

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Avoid popularity if you would have peace.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” – Abraham Lincoln

“It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” – Abraham Lincoln

“We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God’s side.” – Abraham Lincoln

“You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.” – Abraham Lincoln

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” – M. Scott Peck

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.” – Joan Rivers

“When nothing is going right, go left.”

“Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” –  Phyllis Diller

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

“Sane is boring.” – R.A. Salvatore

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