“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris
“The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.” – Terry Pratchett
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” ― Groucho Marx
“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.” ― Groucho Marx
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” ― Groucho Marx
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” ― Groucho Marx
“Whatever it is, I’m against it.” ― Groucho Marx
“I only had sex with her because I’m in love with you.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain
“The greed is good. Sex is easy. Youth is forever” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” – Mark Twain
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“We buy balloons, we let them go.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“…if you’re alone nothing bad can happen to you.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain
“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” – George Bernard Shaw
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain
“Scientists peered into data and concluded that we should all be worried.” ― Bret Easton Ellis
