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Just looking for a good laugh!!

 

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…”Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
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A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes. ‘Darling, how I’ve missed you! ‘The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, ‘Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!’
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients.” “Yes, sir!” answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So, Murphy, how was your day?” Murphy told him that he took care of three patients… “The first one had a headache so he did…So I gave him Paracetamol.” “Very good, Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,” says Murphy. “Great! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'” “Oh my… What did you do?” asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.”
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead!” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

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Man rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”
He said, “Is this her first child?”
I said, “No, this is her husband.”

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OpticanAndPolish

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A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank…Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank? “The customer replies, “YES!” The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!… shoots him in the head and kills him! He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “DID … YOU … SEE … ME … ROB THIS BANK????”The man calmly responds, “No … But My Wife Did!”

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The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready. A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker. “Wonderful!” she replied, “But… it’s just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee.”
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On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ? “No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”
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My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.
At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”

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Parrot

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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!” The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers. “He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?” I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van. “He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
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Q: What vegetables do librarians like?
A: Quiet peas.

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.” She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

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IceFishing

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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
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Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”
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Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

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SonOfTheVictim

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Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.”
Student: “A dead bird, sir.”
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An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, “Why do you have boobs on your back?” The camel replies, “Ha! That’s a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face.”
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A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.” The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, “Shh ! Don’t shout, let them land!”
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A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, “I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis.” Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?” The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.” The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?” The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”

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OnFridays

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Q. Why was the broom late for school?
A. It overswept!
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I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?” says the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole” says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he’s been driving me nuts,” says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender. “Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!”
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A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a djinni appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

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YouNeverLearnNothing

BetterJob

Bamba

Valentine

Hotdogs

Trouble

MumIsGoodCook

Waitress

TheChickenOr

MyBeer

LostElephant

Cough

A Guy Is Sitting At A Bar...

AGuy

Categories: Home, Simple happiness

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