Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. “How do you breathe through something so small?”

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!”
Reporter: “Name?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “Sex?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

Q: What’s the king of all school supplies?  A: The Ruler

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers

Q: What did the traffic light say to the zebra? A: Don’t look… I’m changing.

Q: Which is faster, hot or cold? A: Hot, you can easily catch cold.

Q: What question can you never answer “YES”? A: Are you asleep/dead?

Q: What kind of dog never bites? A: A hot dog.

Q: What wears a cap but has no head? A: A bottle. 

Q: Why is six afraid of seven? A: Because seven eight (ate) nine.

Q: It is black, but yo say it is clean. It is white, but you say it is dirty. What is it?  A: Blackboard.

Q: Which table doesn’t have legs? A: Vegetable

Q: What’s never used until it’s broken? A: Egg

When I was born, I was so surprised that I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

When I’m loud, people tell me to be quiet. When I’m quiet, people ask me if I’m OK.

I hate if when people ate at your house and ask:” Hey, do you have a bathroom?” And I’m just like…. “No, not at all. We s**** in the yard”

I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore. FRIDGE, YOU’RE COMING TO MY ROOM!

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

People who laugh so hard at their own jokes that they can’t even finish the joke because they’re laughing so hard are my favorite kind of people

EXERCISE? I thought you said “Extra fries”

Damn you mirror! That’s not what I look Like in my Head!

My mom said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart but my butt is bigger.

I will slap you so hard even Google wont be able to find you.



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